23 Things I’ve learned about Marriage in 23 years Part 1
Super Rock Star and I celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary on September 3rd. As you can see it is well past September 3rd. However, I REALLY wanted to post about the things I’ve learned about marriage in 23 years. It would have been SO cool to have this all ready to go on our actual anniversary, but alas, life happens and I’m a chronic procrastinator.
23 Things I have Learned in 23 years of Marriage
1. Choose to stay married to your spouse and choose to love them every day. Yes, this is a choice you must make. Some days are easier to do this than other. Wretched morning breath and under the bed covers passing of gas can sometimes seriously damper the will to do this, but marriage is, at times,a sacrifice of our will.
2. Choose to forgive them. Just as loving your spouse is a choice, forgiving them is too. If pain can be inflicted by anyone, it is even more so by our spouses. You have to choose to forgive for the small annoyances (piles of clothes left laying around) as well as the big hurtful things.
3. Feelings follow actions. I was so relieved when I ran across this bit of wisdom a few years ago. Because some days, I just don’t feel like…fill in the blank: being kind, doing nice things, listening, and yes,even loving and forgiving. But, I find that when I go against my selfish feelings and just do the thing, I not only feel better, but it makes me feel more loving toward my husband and about him.
4. It’s o.k. to be angry and argue. For some reason TV, romance novels and movies have us all convinced that if you’re fighting with your spouse something must be terribly wrong. That’s a lie. Fighting and arguing are normal and healthy. It’s important to remain civil and respectful when this happens, but a good healthy fight about stuff that’s built up is very cleansing and can help draw you closer.
5. It’s also o.k. to go to bed without making everything better. The Bible says to not let the sun go down on our anger. In other words…YOU need to make sure your not angry. But, that doesn’t mean you have to hash it all out before going to sleep. My husband and I have two very different ways of dealing with conflict. I’m a people pleaser and I NEED everything to be okay, no one mad at me and all be right with the world so I can move on. He, on the other hand, needs time and space. Sometimes we both need to take time to cool down or we’ll end up saying hurtful things.
6. Talk about the stuff. Even if you need some time or they need some time. You need to talk about it eventually. Not talking can be deadly to a marriage. Get counseling if you need to.
7. Find fun things that you enjoy doing together. During the early years of our marriage we had gotten into a bad habit of him doing his thing and me doing my thing and we began living separate lives. We each have hobbies we enjoy seperately, but it also became important for us to find things to do together. For us, our common ground is that we both LOVE and I do mean LOVE going to garage sales and antique stores. Our home is built (and decorated) with memories built in each “find”.
8. Build your house together. I don’t mean the structure itself, I mean the parts in it. It’s your home. It’s your haven from the rest of the world. Do it together. For some this may seem strange, but when Super Rock Star and I look around our home, we enjoy seeing the history of our lives–the things we’ve collected, the pictures, the memories of doing projects. All of it becomes our glue for our home and our lives together.
9. Keep going on dates. I know you’ve seen this one before, but it is worth repeating. Life can get so busy and hectic that we forget to just be together. Since my boys have started back to school, we’ve enjoyed getting away to a couple movies during the week days and shopping. Whatever your stage in life, find some time for just the two of you–even if it’s a few minutes after the kids have gone to bed to just hang out and be together.
10. Kiss and say I love you at least once every day. Super Rock Star used to joke around and say “I said it once, if I change my mind I’ll let you know” (make sure you say this in your thickest hick accent and add a burp at the end). I feel very lucky that there hasn’t been too many days in all our years together that he hasn’t told me he loves me. It’s special and it means the world to me.
Tune in tomorrow where I will share the rest of the 23 things I’ve learned in 23 years.
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