Welcome back! Yesterday I shared with you part 1 of the 23 things I’ve learned in 23 years (http://www.aftermycoffee.com/23-things-ive-learned-about-marriage-in-23-years/). Today, I’ll share the rest:
- Don’t flirt with others. Period. Some think this is harmless, but it is very harmful and breeds jealousy and insecurity. Neither of which help make a healthy happy marriage.
- Don’t even joke about divorce. I love Ruth Graham’s response when asked if she ever considered divorcing Billy Graham. “Divorce? No. Murder? Yes.” Probably best to not joke about murder either. I don’t want something horrible to happen to my husband and then me end up in jail because my friends said something along the lines of “well, she did say she would kill him if he forgot one more time to pick up his dirty socks” (again, it with your thickest hick accent). But, with divorce, even speaking about it in jest plants a dirty little seed of discontent.
- Listen. When your spouse has something to say to you, put down your phone, book, pause the television show you are watching and listen with eye contact. Again, life can be so busy and moves so fast. Nothing can make a person feel more lonely and isolated than to be ignored or only half heard in their own home with the one they love. On the flip side nothing makes one feel more appreciated and important to someone than to be really heard by the one they love and having them genuinely interested.
- Respect each other. I know we all promised to do this for each other (along with love and cherish) on our wedding days, but it’s a good reminder. My eyes have practically rolled out of their sockets at times with my husband when I’m feeling particularly disrespectful. It’s one of those things along with some of the others I’ve mentioned that’s a choice to do. To have respect for each other brings feelings of closeness and building together, to not have it brings feelings of isolation, hostility and distance.
- Speak highly of each other. This goes along with respect. It’s a way of showing your spouse that, “Hey, even when your not around, I still think the world of you and I want others to know it”.
- Give each other genuine, specific compliments. I don’t mean flattery or just saying empty words. Notice each other, tell each other what you like, and build each other up.
- Love the one your with. Infidelity is rampant in our society these days. Since Super Rock Star’s band plays a lot of clubs, I’m around a lot of folks looking for love most weekends. Trust me, the singles scene for 30’s 40’s and 50 somethings is not even remotely appealing in my opinion. The grass is not greener on the other side. Love your grass and if it’s not green, water and nurture it until it is. Capiche?
- It’s okay to have your own thing too. I mentioned earlier that it’s good to have things to do together, but I also believe it’s good to have things you do apart. For him it’s music, for me it’s running and reading. It gives us more to talk about and share with each other and another way to show genuine interest in each other. Although, my husband will never understand the running thing. His belief is that if you are not being chased there is no need to run. Ha!
- Give each other physical love often. Yes, I’m talking about what you think I’m talking about. To be honest this should be in the top 5. (#1 for Super Rock Star. Ha!) If you are newly married, you are probably thinking “what?! impossible! How could this ever be something I even have to remember?” But, again, with the busy, hectic life thing–especially when children enter the picture, things get put on the back burner. Just trust me–don’t let that happen. But, also remember to hug, cuddle, and hold hands. The world can seem harsh and ugly sometimes. Nothing makes me feel better instantly than just a big ole hug from my man.
- Inside jokes are essential. In the 23 years we have been together, he and I almost have our own language. So many things he can say to me and I know exactly what he’s talking about that no one else would. Movie quotes(most any line from The Princess Bride), song lyrics (we have conversations in song around our house), it’s only growing as our boys have added to our language too.
- Think about each other when you are apart. We save a lot of our conversation till the end of the day. But, all throughout the day I am thinking about him and of things that I want to tell him about. The silly but sometimes dangerous part for us is that we each have experienced times of having imaginary conversations with each other and then forgotten to have the actual conversation. Deep confusion and chaos occurs when it has to do with scheduling something (“I told you about that 3 weeks ago!” “Um, no you didn’t.” )
- Wives– Submit. I know, I know, I know–most women would like to erase the dirty little “S” word from the Bible. But, just like everything God wrote about His creation–He kind of knows what works best. And He most certainly knows what works best in a a marriage. So, what does that mean? What does it really mean to submit? It means you defer to him. You let him be the leader in your home. That doesn’t mean you are the little waify mealy mouse door mat. It means that you recognize that your man is a strong leader and that you trust his decisions. If you work outside the home — most of you have a boss. If your boss makes a decision–you might question their judgement, you may even put your two cents in, but at the end of the day–they call the shot. It’s their proverbial hiney on the line. It’s the same for husbands–they are held accountable to God Himself for how they lead their homes. For me personally, I find this very freeing. It takes a lot of pressure off.
- Husbands–Love. And we need to accept that love. I can think of a thousand reasons a minute as to why I am unlovable. So many days I am moody or feel old, fat, and ugly. So, when my husband tells me he thinks I’m beautiful on those particular days–I often scoff at him. Or so often he will make a wonderful gesture of showing love to me and rather than gratefully accept it, I either feel completely unworthy or suspicious (Oh no, what did he do?). How awful. When my husband makes those efforts–I need to be gracious and believe that he means it even when I feel I don’t deserve it.
Now, let’s be clear, I’ve learned these 23 things, but I can’t honestly say that I always remember to put them into practice. The bottom line is staying married is a decision you make every day. Some days marriage can be really hard. If you’re in a hard time, just remember it’s temporary. I have personally experienced my feelings following my actions. When I choose him, my feelings for him grow. Also, marriage is fun. No one makes me belly laugh harder than my husband. He is truly my favorite person and I love that our years together just keep solidifying him as my best friend. Happy 23 years Babe!
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