Last week was school conference day for my boys . Oh how I dread these meetings with my older son, Morgan’s teacher. It’s not because I don’t like her–I like her a lot. It’s just that every meeting, every encounter, every other email–is almost all about his misbehavior. It’s always been like this–starting with preschool. “Hello Mrs. Glenn. It’s about Morgan….well, we’re having trouble with him”–and from here it can be a myriad of different things: “he’s not sitting still, focusing on his work, doing his work, getting along well with the other kids”–the list goes on and on and on.
This past month we found out that he had been lying to us about getting his work done. Not only is he not doing it at school, he’s lying about getting it done while he’s at school. I go back and forth from feeling so blasted angry at him for being so uncaring and obstinate, to feeling guilty that somehow it’s all my fault because I’m too soft or too harsh (which one is it?) With this latest development I met with his teacher and then the principal and then the teacher, Vice principal and Principal. You would think that 5 adult human beings (including Super Rockstar and me)with various college degrees and work experience under our belts would be able to come up with a solution to help my 10–almost 11 year old learn to care about school and learning. But, we came up empty.
Over the years various ideas about dealing with his misbehavior have been tossed around–missing recess (I hate this one), doing laps at recess (no one wants to monitor it–or they forget to), letting him have breaks during the day, sitting by himself–so he’s not a distraction to other kids, medication (this one has at least helped him with sitting still): we’ve tried them all. At home we try positive reinforcement through incentives, negative reinforcement through discipline. We give things, we take them away, we spank, we don’t spank, we pull our hair out and scream at the top of our lungs and whatever miniscule results that happen are so short lived they don’t even show up as a blip on the screen.
So what are we to do? How do you make a child who doesn’t give two hoots about school care about his future? How do you show him that if he doesn’t start caring now that he will run out of time and be trapped in a reality that is not good? How do you raise your child to be a hard working responsible adult when all they care about is playing? How do you help Peter Pan want to grow up?
That is the million dollar question.
I wish sometimes I could live in his world for a day–to not have a care in the world and be in no hurry to get anywhere. But, thinking about that made me realize how it all probably looks from his perspective. He’s going along minding his own business and all day long he has people putting their face in front of him telling him he has to do something he doesn’t want to–“Listen Morgan!” “Pay attention Morgan!” “Stop playing with that Morgan!” “Focus on your work Morgan!” Every day–that is his life. I know it hurts his heart–feeling like everyone is mad at him all the time. But, I don’t understand how it doesn’t register with him that everyone getting frustrated with him is a direct result of him not doing as he is told and required to do. It seems to mystify him.
To say that I am frustrated does not do that word justice. I am not only frustrated, I’m aggravated. I’m tired of feeling like all I’m ever told is what Morgan is doing wrong and rarely anyone telling me what he’s doing right. I’m tired of being treated as a parent who doesn’t care when all I do is pray about this, spend sleepless nights thinking about it, and look desperately around to anyone who can give me some sort of answer that will work. I’m so sick of parent/teacher conferences being such a drudgery–and feeling like I’m the one in trouble. I’m tired of thinking something is either wrong with him or me.
The truth is–there’s nothing wrong with Morgan. Morgan is normal. Morgan is smart. Morgan is capable of doing each and every thing that his teachers and we his parents want him to. So why doesn’t he want to? Again I ask the question–how can you make your child care? How do you help Peter Pan want to grow up?
How I wish I could supply you with a cure-all fix. They had no teacher, student, parent, involvement ,when mine were that age. I do believe my one son would have flourished at a much younger age, if he could have attended a vocational school. He loved wood shop and auto, but no interest in history, math, or grammar. He sadly quit in frustration, only later to obtain his GED. He loves working with his hands, he can calculate the needs of what he is working on, but to show his work on paper…no. He found his passion and it has worked for him. I pray your Peter Pan finds his passion.
Thank you Aunt Gaylyn! Me too! I love that there are so many options now for us so we can better help funnel our kids in the right direction. I want Morgan to learn to live in the real world, but I don’t want him to hate school and learning. I long for him to be teachable. I can make him eat his spinach–but I can’t make him want to care about learning. Haha! I am convinced that his niche is out there somewhere–I’m just hoping to find it sooner rather than later.
Sigh. I totally get it. This was an issue with my youngest son. In our case, he just did not fit the school mold well at all, which made it a challenge. Of course, as time has gone along, he never really fit any mold, which can still be a challenge as he’s gotten older. I wish I had an answer for you. I think there are times that are just a struggle and we have to trust that God knows and loves them even more than we do and He does have a plan. We never know how He will choose to use those struggles later in life to minister to others. Praying that He would strengthen both of you and give you hope and encouragement.
Thank you Dianne! I know so many of us out there at various stages with our “unique, break the mold” kids. I have found that most parents that got them launched into adulthood have a sort of exhausted–just finished a marathon demeanor. Haha! I appreciate your perspective–because you’re right–God knows what Morgan’s purpose is here on this planet and I don’t think it’s supposed to be to drive me over a sanity cliff (at least I hope not). I will say it is definitely building my patience muscles. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement–I appreciate it SO much!
Jennifer I wish I had an answer for you but I don’t. I know Morgan is a good kid but he just doesn’t see the need for going to school or studying. All of this doesn’t apply to him and what he wants to do. Have you thought of an alternative school. Maybe the Springs Studio which is an online school in the district or the new James Irwin Technical School. Morgan likes to create things and work with his hands. That might work for him. He has a beautiful voice so maybe an Arts school. . Just a few thoughts.
Thank you Cheryl! I know you know him well. It’s funny that when we were looking into Kindergarten for Morgan we wanted him to attend Imagine, but he was put on the waiting list so, I had him enrolled at The DaVinci Academy (very arts and crafts, kind of a looser atmosphere type school). I thought the more structured atmosphere at Imagine would be better for his “devil may care” personality– so when they called to let me know he was in–we accepted. I have often wondered if we made the correct decision. Since he’ll be starting middle school next year (gasp!), I am looking into new options since it would be a good time to try something else. I will definitely look into your suggestions. I really appreciate and respect your opinion.